The dirty truth about why the U.S. wants to ban TikTok

Editor's note: The U.S. House passed a new bill Saturday, including an unreasonable demand that forces TikTok to cut ties with its Chinese parent company or face a nationwide ban. What are the real reasons Washington wants to ban TikTok? American journalist and comedian, Lee Camp, shared his thoughts on the topic in this monologue. The views expressed in the video are his own and not necessarily those of CGTN.

TikTok is hugely popular in the United States as it is in other parts of the world. Of course, it's popular – how else would we watch videos of people twerking with their dogs? I mean the dogs are also twerking. 

But there's a problem. The U.S. government recently told us that TikTok is the most sinister super villain since Simon Bar Sinister himself! Oh my god! 

This March, the U.S. House of Representatives overwhelmingly passed a bill to force ByteDance, the Chinese parent company of TikTok, to sell TikTok to an American company in order to protect us poor, confused Americans from the horrible social media platform with loads of cool emojis floating around. We do need protection. 

Congress said this needed to happen because the evil Chinese company was spying and manipulating Americans and forcing our dogs to dance exclusively to Chinese music! No! This is so horrible. This is the most betrayed and confused I've felt since Disney's Little Mermaid admitted she doesn't know how to swim.

So, let's see the terrifying evidence. Show me the terrifying evidence that TikTok has been used to spy on or manipulate us all. Go ahead, U.S. government, show us the evidence. Well, The Intercept reported: The "TikTok Threat Is Purely Hypothetical, U.S. Intelligence Admits." Wait, even our Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) and National Security Agency (NSA) have had to admit that "U.S. intelligence has produced no evidence that the popular social media site has ever coordinated with Beijing."

But I thought TikTok was super-duper evil? That's what they told us. Wait, Senator Marco Rubio has the answer. He said about the threats of TikTok the other day: "Now people say, well, this is all hypothetical. There's no evidence the Chinese government is doing any of this. Let me first start by saying that every threat to our national security begins as theoretical before they become reality."

Every threat to national security starts as theoretical? Take that, space aliens! Take that, robots living in my breakfast sausages! Just because there's no evidence of something doesn't mean it's not totally real. In fact, everything without evidence is totally real including the dinosaurs that raise their children inside my ear canals. They're tiny dinosaurs. 

Wait, hold on, I found the evidence! Reuters reported that just a few years ago, the Communist Party of China authorized Chinese intelligence to launch a clandestine campaign on social media to manipulate Americans! Oh, hold on, I got it backwards, just like the time I made out with the back of that girl's head. What? I thought she just grew her facial hair out!

What actually happened is a few years ago "President Donald Trump authorized the Central Intelligence Agency to launch a clandestine campaign on Chinese social media aimed at turning public opinion in China against its government, according to former U.S. officials with direct knowledge of the highly classified operation," so it sounds like the U.S. government wants to ban TikTok because they're worried other countries might behave like the U.S. government.

But TikTok has been around awhile now, so why right now is there such a hurry and fury in the U.S. government to ban it? Well, it really comes down to the genocide Israel is committing in Gaza. "U.S. lawmakers renew calls to restrict the app amid anxiety about growing pro-Palestinian views among young people." Basically, the U.S. government doesn't like that young people are learning the truth about Israel's atrocities. And because TikTok is not a U.S. company, it's harder for the U.S. to censor everything on TikTok. 

But that's okay. I'm sure if the U.S. forces TikTok to sell, they will be bought by a staunch defender of free speech, an anti-censorship crusader, a hero of the downtrodden and disposed – someone like former Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin! Wait, What?

Steve Mnuchin? The guy who spent 17 years at massive bank Goldman Sachs stealing people's homes? That guy might buy TikTok? That's like selling a hotdog stand to a vegan or selling your beloved house to an arsonist or selling your beloved dog to a hotdog stand! 

Well, I guess we can kiss freedom of speech goodbye, along with freedom of expression, freedom of emoji, and freedom of twerking, but this whole TikTok debate raises an important question: If the U.S. empire is this scared of people learning the truth about the world from a social media app that features 30-second videos of parakeets wearing hats, then it doesn't sound like a very strong empire, does it? 

(If you want to contribute and have specific expertise, please contact us at opinions@cgtn.com. Follow @thouse_opinions on Twitter to discover the latest commentaries in the CGTN Opinion Section.)