Love in the East: The price of happy ever after

Contrary to the belief of many hopeless romantics, the phrase "love is priceless" is often not the case when it comes to marriage, especially when traditional customs come with a hefty price tag.

Marriage intertwines considerations of love and financial obligations. The expenses associated with weddings – including venue hire, outfits, catering, decorations, and additional costs – can be substantial. Beyond these expenditures, traditions such as dowry and bride price also play significant roles.

In many Asian, African, Arab and other cultures, marriage customs may involve considerable financial commitments, particularly in the form of a bride price.

In China specifically, "caili" refers to a customary practice where the groom's family provides money or gifts to the bride's family during the marriage process.

This tradition has longstanding cultural importance and exhibits regional variation throughout China. Typically, the custom demonstrates respect and goodwill from the groom's family towards the bride's family, and may include offerings such as cash, real estate, vehicles, jewelry, and other valuables.

For Wang Jing* and her husband, originally from Chengdu in Sichuan Province, getting married meant navigating the complexities of bride price negotiations and family dynamics.

The couple, both 34 years old, married after two years together. After stating their intentions of marriage, their families came together to discuss what this meant for her bride price and dowry.

In contrast to the bride price, dowry refers to additional money or gifts which may be provided by the bride's family to the family of the groom.

Ahead of the marriage, both sides of the family contributed toward paying for the down payment of the couple's apartment in Beijing, where they currently live. Wang's parents then provided a dowry, and her mother was responsible for setting the bride price, which was 60,000 yuan (around $8,400), a sum the groom's family initially found challenging to meet.

"My husband asked if there was any possibility to downsize the bride price, and I negotiated with my mom and I failed because she insisted," she recalls.

Wang's mother thought that her asking price was reasonable, especially considering the contributions made by both sides toward the couple's housing, and eventually, her in-laws found a way to pay the amount.

The money was handed over to her as the bride. This financial support reflects a broader trend where parents assist their children in establishing their new lives, often giving funds to help the new family, ensuring they have a firm financial footing as they start their new journey to marriage.

"I think in the old days it was known as 'pin jin,' so it's like the groom's family would give some gifts and silver and jewelry to the girl's family. The girl's family would add more to the package and on the wedding day, the bride took everything into her new family. This was the case for my family too," said Wang.

However, when it came to receiving jewelry from her husband's family, in addition to caili, Wang says she didn't have any of that, something which is still an issue of contention with her mother.

"My mom wasn't happy about that. Even several years after our wedding, she would say something. She'd say, 'I told you to ask for the gold. Because the price of the gold is more expensive," she said.

"Where I'm from, especially for my generation where there are many families with only one child, in most cases the parents would give the money to their children. They don't really need the money, they just want to help fund our new family, but this does vary from family to family."

For many one-child families, the pressure of keeping the money for themselves isn't as high as if more children were involved. In households with more than one child, the caili is often kept by the parents to cover their household expenses or used to pay the bride price if they have a son.

According to Wang, her caili money is saved and accumulating interest in a bank account for future use.

Similarly, for Feng Tao* and his wife, both 37 and from Shandong Province, the caili of 200,000 yuan paid by his family was given to his wife and used to fund their new life together.

However, he admits that he was opposed to the idea of paying a bride price initially.

"After my parents explained the process and I felt it was fine. The bride price was eventually transferred to my wife as the 'start-up capital' for the new family so it's quite useful," he said.

Feng believes that the idea of bride price has evolved over the years and will continue to do so as the economy continues to evolve from a subsistence economy, which dominated in China for many years, to a market economy.

"As life gets better, people will gradually give up the old rule," he said. "Generally, richer people tend to adopt the 'start-up fund' rule and abandon the 'wife-buying rule.' In poorer areas, the government is publicizing the idea to stop 'buying wives' because it no longer works."

Particularly the younger generation are re-imagining the idea of caili, to the point where some are shunning the idea completely. Many consider the notion of having to pay for a bride as outdated, treating women as property to be purchased. However, the practice continues around various parts of China.

Some regions in China have implemented laws to limit bride price amounts. The controversial subject was even addressed previously in the "No. 1 central document" – the first policy statement released by China's central authorities each year. Exorbitant bride prices and lavish, over-the-top weddings, particularly in rural areas, are said to be contributors to the decline in marriage rates in China.

Wang, however, believes this shouldn't be a concern for the government. In her view, caili is not as much of an obligation as it may have been in the past.

"I think the government is doing too much, there are so many other areas that need more governing. I think that's a voluntary thing because there are some families who don't even ask for bride money. For example, if their parents decide to pay for their house, their cars or anything that can support a new family, they can choose to dismiss the bride price. It really depends on individual families," she said.

"In modern China, people are less willing to marry, and I think the government is finding ways to encourage more marriages. But I doubt the results will change."

Both Wang and her husband, as well as Feng and his wife, have young daughters who may one day get married. Now, as parents, will they expect the rules of caili to apply to their girls?

"I still think the start-up fund rule is quite practical and will support caili for my daughter to use it as a start-up fund for her," said Feng, even though he says he knows it can become a financial burden for many men.

Wang and her husband are open to carrying on these marriage traditions for their daughter, but they are willing to give her a say in the decision too.

"Personally, I would give my daughter a dowry and would expect the groom's family to provide too, if not more, at least the same amount as I'll be giving," said Wang.

"Funny enough, I talked to my husband about our daughter's life with a future husband and he asked, 'but what if she doesn't want to get married?' And if that's the case, we'll be fine with that too."

*Not their real names

This article is part of a Love in the East series, a glimpse into China's unique world of love, dating and marriage.