Young people discuss why they are waiting to marry

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The one question singles were hoping to avoid when gathering with families across China during Spring Festival is, “When are you getting married?”

Fewer people in China are tying the knot. This trend is not only causing parents to worry but also causing government concerns.

“In a culture that puts great value on family, parents are alarmed by even the tiniest likelihood that their offspring will remain unmarried and childless,” Xuan Li, assistant professor of psychology at NYU Shanghai, told CGTN Digital. “They fear the breaking of family lineage, or that there will be no one to look after their unmarried children when they’re gone.”

CGTN Digital Roundtable participants / CGTN Digital

China’s Communist Youth League, an organization of youths with progressive ideas under the leadership of the Communist Party of China, has encouraged young singles to participate in organized blind dates to find the right partner.

The Global Times newspaper reported that other government entities such as labor unions and women’s federations have also tried to play Cupid in China.

According to the Ministry of Civil Affairs, China witnessed its second year of decline in the number of newly registered unions in 2015, marking a 6.3 percent drop from 2014 and 9.1 percent from 2013. This was accompanied by a rise in the average age at which people are getting married – up by about a year and a half in the first 10 years of this century.

Decline and delay

The decline and delay of marriage in China is part of a global trend. The US, most of Europe and Japan, are all experiencing similar trends, as are other major Chinese societies. Hong Kong and Taiwan, for instance, both have much higher ages of first marriage than the Chinese mainland.

“Why the numbers are down is anybody’s guess but many recent studies speculate ever-increasing economic strain is a major factor,” relationship coach Cullen Mattox said. “Time could reveal that young people are just as interested in marriage but are delaying it until they’ve accrued more mastery of their finances.”

New York City-based Mattox and his wife, Elitia, are the founders of coaching and development services company WhenLoveWorks.

CGTN Digital Roundtable participants / CGTN Digital

To get to the heart of the matter, CGTN Digital organized two roundtable discussions, one for males and one for females both comprised of Chinese and foreign singles.

Those gathered for the CGTN Digital Roundtables gave a very candid look at love and did not hold back.

“Girls, they have a lot of pressure to marry in all cultures but especially in this culture,” Canadian-Chinese Jeff Wong, a Beijing-based filmmaker, said at the event. “And I feel like, for guys in China… you are looked down upon if you are a certain age and you haven’t been married.”

The other big pressure comes from the family, according to China-born Cui Yihui. Family always comes first in Eastern culture, she said. “And then when you are at the certain age, your family says, ‘Oh, it’s the age for you to be dating somebody. It’s the age for you to get married.’ If you are single at the age of 25, your family starts to worry. They want you to have a good life and have a good marriage.”

“They don’t think 23 is a very young age,” Chinese national Xiaoxian Liu chimed in. “They actually think I should be in a relationship right now so that I can get married at the age of 25.”

Since 2007 single women over the age of 27 in China have been unofficially termed "leftover women" or "sheng nu" in Chinese.

Leftover was one of 171 new Chinese terms included in the “Report on the Language Situation in China” published by the Ministry of Education, referring to single women at or beyond the socially-accepted marriageable age of around 27.

Family pressure

Young women from other countries at the roundtable were quick to point out that pressure to marry is not just a Chinese sentiment.

CGTN Digital Roundtable participants / CGTN Digital

“I think that as a society in general, as a whole global society, women definitely feel a need to find a man to define them,” said American Melissa Szarowicz, a Beijing resident for more than two years.

Szarowicz suggested that this situation can cause people to rush into marriage, “settling and not really going for what you deserve.”

“When I was younger, my father would always say you can’t date until you’re 35,” American Rihanna Aaron jokingly added. “And so now I’m actually in my thirties and now they drop hints like ‘So, anyone special in your life?’ or ‘You thinking about having kids?’”

But females are not the only ones being grilled about their marital prospects.

“Usually, when I was in college they were like, ‘Hey, how were your studies?’” Mizart Ghayrat from Xinjiang Uygur Autonomous Region told the roundtable when we chatted with the single guys. “Now that I just go to work they are like, ‘Hey, do you have any girlfriend? Are you dating?’”

CGTN Digital Roundtable participants / CGTN Digital

When it comes to the subject of dating, these singles had a mixed bag of opinions.

“I’m not dating but I want to search for a soul-mate,” Li Zhi from Huangshi in central China’s Hubei Province declared.

“If I did meet someone in Beijing and I felt like going on dates with them, I’d be happy to, but I’m not actively seeking for anyone to date right now,” American Jacqueline Archdeacon said.

“I’m ready, more than ready,” Pakistani Khalil Abusufiyan said, not ashamed to profess his commitment. “I am very much involved in a relationship and in fact, it’s with a Chinese girl.”

One of the key differences to come out during the roundtable discussions was the definitions of dating and relationships in the East and the West.

Defining moments

CGTN Digital Roundtable participants / CGTN Digital

“My own definition would be you go from dating into a relationship when you enter that area of emotional investment,” Ireland native and Beijing resident Richard Hansard said.

“After one month, I asked him, ‘Would you be my boyfriend?’ so I officially asked him that. So he said, ‘Aren’t we already in a relationship?’ I said, ‘No, we were just dating but now I want to go into a relationship with you,” Beijing native Cui Yihui said. “I think I am a little bit more Westernized since I studied in the US but he is more traditional Chinese.”

Defining their relationship status was not the only culture clash some of the singles faced.

"The most shocking thing for me here is that when you go out with your partner, you have to carry her purse. In some parts of the world that is not acceptable," Abusufiyan told the roundtable gathering. "She is Chinese so I had to accept it because she’s my girlfriend. But I found it very shocking."

This blending of cultures is certainly a possibility for the scores of singles living in China.

CGTN Digital Roundtable participants / CGTN Digital

“I’m pretty recent in Beijing so I have had some opportunities to go out to have a drink,” Portugal native Tiago Saavedra said. “You can see some pretty, beautiful women here.”

While the foreign men participating in the roundtable had no problem expressing their interest in dating women who are Chinese, the foreign women were a bit more cautious.

“If I found the right guy and he happened to be Chinese then that’s great. I just never saw myself being with a Chinese guy, but I also never saw myself living in China and here I am,” Archdeacon told CGTN Digital. “I think it’s important to be open-minded.”

Relationship coaches the Mattoxs agree having an open mind is key. They said it is never too late to find love.

“In our work, we’ve witnessed that age is not nearly the factor that one might think when you have tools to accompany your love,” Elitia Mattox told CGTN Digital. “In the last six months alone, we’ve celebrated the nuptials and engagements of 34-, 40- and 60-year-old female clients.”

CGTN Digital Roundtable participants / CGTN Digital

Ready to seal the deal?

Dating apps are a not-so-traditional tool that some in today’s society are using to find love. Globally, millions of people are turning to technology for a chance at love. But participants at the CGTN Digital Roundtables had differing opinions about using apps.

“I think it is better to know someone person to person and talk face to face,” Zhang Lu said. “So that’s why I don’t use dating apps at all.” And she’s not the only one to shun technology when it comes to love.

“Dating apps can be superficial because you are getting judged just on your appearance,” Archdeacon stated. “Guys are just going to look at pictures.”

But not all of the ladies felt the same.

“I went on nine dates with nine different men and they were all really good dates,” Szarowicz told the roundtable. “Some were better than others.”

CGTN Digital Roundtable participants / CGTN Digital

The guys also had some interesting insight into dating apps.

“It’s very easy to find a girl there,” Abusufiyan said. “Swipe it right, you match with that one.”

“Our minds have been trained. We really do know whether we want to date someone within like 30 seconds, guys, and girls, just by looking at a picture,” Wong declared. “There are so many markers, you know. You can tell so much from a face. You can tell so much from the way they dress. ”

By the end, the singles gathered for the CGTN Digital Roundtables were definitely clear about what it is they want.

"I can’t stand a man who doesn’t show enough respect to females," Liu joked. "In Chinese, we call it ‘straight man’s cancer.’"

CCGTN Digital Roundtable participants / CGTN Digital

“In Beijing, girls are pickier when it comes to choosing your partner,” Beijing native Wang Quan said. “At least for me, I will be really strict when it comes to choosing a partner.”

“If I found the right person I would probably get married, but I don’t feel pressure about it, so it’s okay if it doesn’t happen,” Saavedra added.

"Gratitude is very important… Responsibility comes very easy once you know gratitude so it becomes natural," Canadian-Chinese Jennifer Wang said. "Knowing how to be grateful and self-reflect is what a person should have to live."

“I want to get married. I’m waiting for the right partner. I want to be intentional about it,” Abusufiyan said.